A letter to my daughter

Dear Zoe,

On Thursday, March 25th, you will go back to school for the first time after a full year of being at home due to the pandemic.  You will don your Pokemon backpack - the one we found at Target last week, the one that made your eyes light up, the one that you were quick to give up out of love for your brother when we saw the last bag on sale.  You had said without missing a beat, "We should give that to J.  He will like it."  Even at such a young age, you instinctively understood the importance of self-sacrifice.  I don't know if we taught that to you, or whether it was already in your nature, but there was something beautiful about this action that came so naturally and easily for you.    

God was gracious to you, knowing that your little heart would be proud of owning this bag and showing it off to your teachers and your kindergarten classmates.  It would be your way of showing the world that you belonged to this Pokemon cult, and perhaps, even show that you belonged, period.  And so, after rummaging around for a few minutes, when I saw an identical one hiding behind a nondescript backpack, I just had to satisfy the desires of your heart.

When we got home, I made sure that your brother understood what you were willing to do, because he, being the first born, is accustomed to having a place of privilege, of being the first in everything.  He may not understand this wisdom yet, but I do hope that he will one day embody the privilege of being first: those who want to lead must always be mindful of looking around, looking behind, and looking to make sure that those who come after are honored.  The first shall be last and the last shall be first.  This is the way of Jesus.  

The other day, we went to Trum Field to play.  You tried to fly a styrofoam airplane while your brother kicked his soccer ball.  Your plane never got too far off the ground, but you didn't care.  You were laughing, basking in the sunshine, and enjoying the simple act of trying to do something fun.  I pray that you will hold onto that innocence and joy for as long as you live.  

When you go off to school on Thursday, I will say goodbye from outside the classroom door, feeling both relieved that you will once again be in the company of kind teachers and rambunctious classmates and sad that we will have less time to spend together.  We sure had fun reading together under your favorite fluffy blanket, making cardboard houses for your Pokemon figures, and crashing Joshua's Zoom classes, didn't we?  I am grateful, however, that I will be there to pick up after school and hear all about your day.  Of course, there will be spring and summer vacations, where we'll be stuck together like glue until school starts up again in the fall.  There is a season for all things, my dear.  Today is a new day, where you will get to explore new adventures, meet new friends in person, and learn new things that I hope you will bring back to share with us over dinner.  

May God continue to surprise you with joy and may He be close to you as you walk through this new day. 

This is me at 40

 

I am not afraid anymore 

to let my hair down

to play, yell, smile, smolder, wonder

without thinking too much 

whether I should or shouldn't.

I kicked down a new decade, a new door --

broke two boards without knowing whether I could

but I did, not once but twice

on my first time trying

and I'll try again 

'til I can jump and kick all at once

without fear of landing flat on my face

and even if I did, I will rise

again

again

again.

Being inspired

Lately, I've been reading The Hole in the Gospel by Rich Stearns, president of World Vision. The book gives one much food for thought. He speaks from the perspective of one who is well-acquainted with wealth and its lures and traps, yet at the same time, he challenges us to step out of our current paradigms and see the role of the church in bringing healing and redemption to the world's ailing issues. I marvel at his dreams -- they are big dreams -- eradicating world poverty, getting Christians (and non-Christians alike) to donate billions of dollars to help people across the world, finding ways to curb the AIDS epidemic, just to name a few.

I'm inspired, yet at the same time at a loss. I'm inspired that he dares to dream so big and is undaunted in the face of such huge challenges. If Rich Stearns can be so motivated, surely, I can too. God has given me many resources, riches, connections -- if I don't utilize these blessings for the good of others, I would have wasted them.

Yet I am also at a loss because I don't know where to begin. How can I, a school teacher, begin to unravel what it means to reach out to the world's poor? Do I begin in my classroom? with my own wallet? volunteer at a soup kitchen? do I organize trips to impoverished countries or be a part of fundraising campaigns here in the States? What has God placed on our hearts to do?

Sometimes, you just gotta do it

It's been welling up inside of me these past couple of days -- this murky, nondescript substance called listlessness. It caught me by surprise this time, for all else had been going well -- I loved my new routine, my students, my job -- and then bam. The sickness could have been it, or maybe the change in weather. I'd like to blame it on the flu, but I know better. There's a deeper reason for these gray clouds sinking in the horizon. The only trouble is, I don't know what the reasons are.

Is this what becoming old feels like? One settles, becomes complacent, begins to care less about what could be and should be and is concerned with simply what is. How does one's soul grow old and why does mine feel twenty years older than it should? How does one keep her spirit alive, her soul continuously fresh and revived despite disappointments and delays, day in, day out?

What happens to a dream deferred? Does it fester like a raisin in the sun or fester like a sore then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode?

There was a time when I used to dream. I used to dream big. Now I don't dream anymore -- it's safer not to.

I defy you. You, who have grown old. You, who have stopped dreaming. You, who taunt my yesterdays with nightmares about tomorrow. Who are you? You are nobody. You exist only to pull me down, and I defy all that you stand for -- apathy, listlessness, complacency. You have no place in my life.

You, who still dream, love, write, make poetry -- you I want. You, who see beauty in even small things -- you I want. You, who take time to revel in God's creation -- you I want.

Take this old self and make it new.

Rape

She is swallowed

bite by bite

her tongue tied by invisible cords

taut against her chest

afraid to expose once more

and feel naked

-- forced --

without being asked.

 

I probe

like a dentist against cavity walls

scraping, scratching a surface hardened...

Words fail me.

Inspirations from Harry Potter

A man is but a man.  Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.  We all must return to the simple, brown, unassuming dirt from which we came.  Why do we toil?  Why seek glory?  What sufferings or joys come out of this bizarre thing we called "life?" 

Having watched the inauguration of the 44th president of the United States yesterday, I am impressed by the life and ideals of such a young couple, whose lives of public service is enviable, but undoubtedly tiring at the same time.  I could not imagine having the daily demands of the world upon my shoulders, without needing to retreat into my quiet space regularly.  Perhaps, this explains why Jesus retreated to the mountains to meet with the Father constantly, so that he could be released to help the needy people in the world.

Such a spirit of hope has swept across our nation, one unlike any I have seen or experienced before.  While I am enthused by the political changes symbolized in our new president, I am also wary of the fact that he is, after all, simply a man.  We hinge our faith upon a man who promises change, and if all goes according to plan, change will come.  Yet, his term will end in four years.  He, too, will move on.

I wonder if this is the kind of enthusiasm that the disciples/apostles possessed when they realized that Jesus was the Messiah?  Their entire lives had been devoted to waiting and seeking for the One who will bring about change to their dismal condition.  Upon seeing a man who spoke with authority and wisdom, the disciples rallied to his side and proclaimed his greatness.  Had they known that he would die and leave them within three years, would they have followed as closely?  Had they known that Jesus would die a most shameful death, would they have wanted to associate with him?  How their hopes and dreams must have been crushed when they saw their supposed "savior" hanging on the cross like a defeated victim of oppressive political powers! 

And yet.

The mystery of the cross: at the most wretched place, a rose bloomed.  Somehow, the dark magic of the world was reversed when a man sacrificed himself to save the lives of many.  The One who delivered himself into the hands of Death chose this path out of love.

Love conquered in the end. 

"But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection."  Colossians 3:14

Staying up late

Vacations are wonderful.  We should have more of them!

On average, we have been going to bed at around 12:30 or 1 a.m. for the past three nights because of games.  On Wednesday night, we played Settlers of Catan; Thursday, we played Guitar Hero; Friday, we played Bang.  Luckily, I could wake up anytime I wanted the next morning!  Going back to school on Monday is going to be tough.

Finally, we were able to mail out about 100 cards today!  We started working on the "thank you" cards for our wedding back in July, but it's been at a stalemate for some time.  It's a good thing people are generally understanding and give newly weds a one-year grace period to write these cards.  :)