For lack of words...no title

My apologies once again for the absence. I guess I have some legitimate excuse for not writing as of late. Where am I? Currently, in Santa Clara, California! J and I have been on the West Coast for the past week spending time with parents, cousins, nieces and nephews, and inevitably -- eating our way through the West coast.

Speaking of food, this trip thus far has yielded much food for thought on issues of parenting, mainly because we get questions like this almost everyday now: "So...when do you guys want to start having a family?" Each time, J and I look at each other and shrug our shoulders. Ideally, at least a year, but preferably two or three? We say with our fingers crossed.

After babysitting for our pastor's kids and hanging out here with my niece and nephew, I have a new-found appreciation for parents. I have always known parenting to be difficult, yet this requires a whole new level of self-sacrifice that I am not yet ready to give -- or maybe more poignantly, I am not yet willing to give!

That being said, however, if I were to embark on the journey of parenting with anyone, I'd want J to be with me. Our different strengths (and weaknesses) will hopefully hone and sharpen us to instill godly values in our children. I asked him today, "What are some principles you would like to have or things you would like to do as a parent?"

"To instill in them the value of simplicity," he replied. "One of the strongest forces in the United States is materialism. One wonders why we hardly see in America the spiritual forces that seem to be so active and blatant in other countries: here, we are blinded by materialism."

Having lived in a land of opulence, we have come to expect material goods to satisfy our needs and wants. I never cease to be amazed when I walk into grocery stores, even small mom and pop shops, where aisle after aisle of goods are piled high from floor to ceiling waiting for human consumption. Lately, I have become obsessed with searching for "Made in China" labels, just to confirm my suspicion that China is really taking over the world. Americans may dislike the Chinese for taking their manufacturing jobs, but Americans cannot help but live on the very products that low-wage earning Chinese workers are producing. Materialism feeds this perceived need, and at the end of the chain are the poor and defenseless who endure harsh working and living conditions, just to satisfy the wants of people half-way across the world. Ironically, materialism is also eating its way through China, where the rich are idolizing and buying "American" goods, while the working class can't even afford to buy the very products they make. For a fascinating view of Chinese-American developments, see Ted Koppel's recent series on the Discovery Channel: People's Republic of Capitalism.

I have once heard someone say that you should not share your dreams with too many people. I never really understood why that should be so. Perhaps, by sharing your dreams too openly, you put your dreams at risk of being prodded, poked, or even rejected before they even have the chance to fly. Yet at the same time, by not sharing your dreams, you run the risk of not even flying at all.

Once upon a time, an idealistic me wanted to open a school in China. I don't know how this seed was planted in my head (perhaps my mother had a lot to do with it). Maybe the source of this desire runs even deeper -- back to that time as a sophomore in high school when I was the only one who stood up in response to the call to do missions at a winter conference. China was on my heart, though I had never been there, nor even knew much about her people or history. Over the years, as I have learned more about God, about China, and about my own strengths and passions, my desire to go to China has waxed and waned. At times, I longed to be there like one would long for a homeland she has never seen; at other times, I tired of dreaming and settled for this American life.

Each time someone asks me when I want to start a family, I am all the more confused. I would love for my parents to be readily accessible and close when I have kids, especially when they are young. Having grown up in the States, far apart from my extended family in Taiwan, I longed for grandparents, aunts/uncles, and cousins to be near me. Thus, I would not want to deprive my parents the joy of seeing their grandchildren grow up. However, doing so would require us to move to California, which means that China would be on hold...

Yet what of China? What of my dreams? What of J's dreams and visions?

The impatient part of me just wants to up and go. Yet perhaps we are here in a holding pattern for yet a while longer. This incubation period is meant to purify, refine, and redefine my notions of passion, vision, success and failure.

Geez...all this from a simple question on parenting...!

Friendships

Certain people stir up instant feelings of warmth and a desire for closeness. This can happen with anyone -- big or small, young or old, male or female. I felt this the other night at the cook-out, when I sat next to the eighty-six year old mother from Pakistan. She was a wealth of stories. Even though I had a hard time understanding her due to her thick accent, I simply enjoyed being in her presence.

However, true friendships are ones that go beyond those initial moments of connection. I have experienced intense friendships that have sprung up overnight yet faded with the passing of time and the disadvantages of distance. On the other hand, I also have friends with whom distance is a non-matter; no passage of time or expanse of distance would hinder us from laughing or crying with one another even after playing phone tag for six months.

Friendships that have been tested by fire -- and survive -- are indelibly carved into our memories. I have had my share of friendships that have failed the test, as well as those that have survived. Yet both sets of friendships remain a constant source of reminder that forgiveness and grace can lead to healing.

Then there are certain friendships that change in nature over time, and I become increasingly at lost over how to best love and care for that person. Yet out of loyalty to our past relationship and a hope for a better future one, I hold on. Loving this kind of friend is perhaps the most difficult, for it involves acknowledging that as others change, I must also change. The old way of knowing becomes obsolete, and I am forced to explore new ways of knowing and loving.

I wonder if that is why marriage is so difficult for many people. As couples grow older, enter different stages of life, and face more difficult challenges, people inevitably change. Some grow more cynical, easily stressed, and lose sight of what was once attractive or lovely about the spouse. Yet it could also go the opposite direction as well! I hope that as I grow older, despite having to face many more challenges, I will change in ways that allow Jonathan the freedom to grow.

Moon Watching

Last night, Jonathan and I went to a fellow teacher friend J's house for a cook-out. My friend is originally from Pakistan, and despite having been in the States for twenty plus years, he sounds like a lyrical flute with a hint of Urdu when he speaks.

We set up shop in the backyard, with Indian rice, savory BBQ chicken, lentils, pupusa, home-made chutney, home-made hot sauce, and white wine to top off the spread. Next to me was a woman from Columbia who is married to L, a math teacher at my school. He is from El Salvador. Across from me sat a wizardly-looking man from India. He has a face that has seen a thousand suns. Further down the table, my friend's eighty-six years old mother reclined on the lawn chair and relished in the food she created. She is from Pakistan as well. Of the eleven people at the table, we represented at least seven different countries!

As the night snuck up on us, we noticed the waxing gibbous moon peeking at us through the trees. On our walks, Jonathan and I often make casual observations about the moon. Just a few days ago, it's crescent shape hung low in the sky; now it has taken on a fuller, more voluptuous form. At that moment while watching the moon, I felt infinitely small yet at the same time singularly significant. The moon tenderly spoke to me with its caressing beams of light billions of lightyears away.

I wished to absorb its radiance into the caverns of my soul.

Okay. So I lied.

I said in my previous post that I would blog for 15 minutes every day. Well, as you can see, I am not one for daily disciplines! It's hard to get back into the habit of blogging once I have fallen out of the habit. Today, Jonathan said that my brother-in-law commented on the fact that I have not been blogging for 15 minutes every day, which lulled me out of my laziness. I had no idea people were actually still reading (and perhaps anticipating) my writing! The perfectionist in me tricks me into thinking that every entry has to be a good entry; hence, if I don't have anything inspirational to write, then don't write anything at all.

Well, screw perfectionism. :) This one is for you, bro-in-law!

This summer, I have been reading a lot -- some pleasure reading, some more serious reading in preparation for the upcoming school year. I actually derive a lot of pleasure from reading about "serious" issues. For example, two of my recent finds have been on issues of oppression, war, ethnic tensions.

1. Brother, I'm Dying by Edwidge Danticat: a memoir about the life of two brothers from Haiti, who survive political upheaval, war, and eventual "exile" in the States.

2. What is the What by Dave Eggers: a semi-memoir about the life of Valentino Achek Deng, a surviving Lost Boy of Sudan who is now residing in the United States.

Lastly, my "serious" reading is Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong. I usually do not have patience for dense reading such as this, but this book is fascinating and makes me re-think the way our understanding of history is construed and colored by the perspective from which we are taught.

More on this later... my fifteen minutes is up! :)